11th of April to the 19th of April

Hey, hey! Welcome. Here we go with more short stories inspired by writing prompts from a book. Life is good. There is more and more Comedy in Leipzig and that is fantastic. More chances to go on stage and try out stuff. More than that I actually enjoy fellow comedians just improving and doing their thing. I don’t follow the big German Comedians at all, so everything feels fresh to me. Especially with Open Mic Comedy I find it important to give the Comedians some leeway in regard to their craft. Even if it's not exactly your cup of tea, it takes something to go on a stage and present material. So here we go with the stories…

11th of April: “A line from a poem clarified and made into your own poem”

The blunt language of the Anglo-Saxons - will sometimes drive the youth away.

They find their home away from home in places that welcome their stay.

No matter where all are from. No matter how we look or talk.

We belong, we are the same - our blood bleeds red with feet made to walk.

So pack your things and be on foot or stay wherever you want.

We are one and the same and no one can say that we can’t.

12th of April: “They had an affair - run with the emotion”

“They had an affair”, she told me and it was nothing new. Nothing too unexpected. When this happens it is a shock for most, but for me not so much. I see them leaving their house at unusual times, I see them coming back grinning more than they do on a regular Tuesday. I see them putting their shoulders together. That is a clear sign. Shoulders touching. Shoulders are very close. Everything feels natural. If you watch closely you notice them saying things like: “I mean evolutionary monogamy is counter-productive”. But then there is also a change in mood. Changes they themselves saw on the regular when they first started dating. A spring in the step. A blush on the face. This comes back but not for the same two people. Something in their orbit changes things. “So why did you notice?”, I asked. “He told me about his lover.”, and with that I went in for a hug. Shoulders awfully close together. A blush on her face.

13th of April: “What does wisdom mean to you?”

100% not age. Whoever started that hasn’t talked to an angry grandpa that struggles with the TV remote and has zero friends and not because they have already died. Wisdom is, to me: learning, applying, and cross-referencing. What I mean is, I find wisdom is applying whatever you learned in almost every situation. The enemy of wisdom is “we have always done it this way”. Someone stuck in their ways does not have wisdom. You can’t always be right. Adapt and overcome. Wisdom is knowing that you do not know everything. Being able to change directions if convinced and look at everything with the least amount of prejudice. Speaking of prejudice: pride might also be in the way of wisdom. So don’t stop learning. Maybe that is wisdom. To never stop learning. Yeah.

14th of April: “Turn on the radio and write about what you hear”

This was easier said than done. My only radio experiences are usually in the car. And if I listen to the radio there it is almost always Deutschlandfunk (German Radio) and it’s pretty standard news and super interesting topics throughout the day. Music is a teeny tiny part and if they play something it is completely out of the left field. So there are gems to discover. The last time I listened to the radio they interviewed the band Mastodon. Super interesting. Another time they talked about the change in working culture. I actually had to later check back to find some additional material to listen to about that topic as I arrived at the destination. Normal radio is not for me. It’s music that I usually don’t listen to (willingly) and still recognize. There is a lot of repetition and music from “artists” that I don’t want to know. The same top 100 over and over. The best of the 80s, 90s and 00s. Ugh! I can’t.

15th of April: “The final moments of the Titanic that sank on this day”

02:20 in the morning. The band continues playing. Random people jump overboard into the ice-cold water. [sorry I can’t help myself] Rose finds an unoccupied door swimming in the water. Jack an agile twink with at least a silver medal in high school swimming helps her reach that door. Both 17. Both are used to small spaces. They had sex in a car and cars back then have been way smaller. So now you have to know two concepts: body warmth and conserving energy. The way our human body works is incredible. You can conserve energy by cuddling up to something a bit warmer. Also, human bodies tend to be warm (at least warmer than the water) and the two of them could almost start a Perpetuum Mobile, nah, just extend their lives by lying on a door cuddled up and conserving energy by not swimming. Jack does not know that. Rose maybe knows it. However, a heroic sacrifice freezing in the water seems to be more what Jack wants to transport. Jack freezes to death and Rose gets jewelry resembling frozen tears.

16th of April: “Go to postsecret.com and write a response”

“I touched my cat’s furry balls before he got fixed… they looked so squishy + fluffy (they were)” [there was also a cute drawn picture of a cat’s face]

Don’t worry. Curiosity got the best of you. The spikey penises of cats definitely hurt a female cat more than a boop on the balls of your cat. Naiive Me has a cat too. A female one. She even traveled the world with us from Shanghai to Germany. Not bad for a cat that was found in the trash. Anyway, I knew about cats having times when they are horny and make those sounds that rival screaming human babies. Again, I thought it can’t be that bad. Until the first time, she felt the hormones kicking in. It was unbearable. I tended to the internet and turns out their private parts swell so much that you can squeeze their butt end to… ugh… relieve them. I tried that. Even though no private parts were touched it felt wrong. We got her neutered the next week.

17th of April: “You find a Hyacinth Macaw in your bathroom”

I had to ask the internet what creature that is. I thought of some sort of monkey first. A monkey would be odd. We don’t have them here in Germany. We also don’t have Hyacinth Macaws in Germany. Not in the wild and our bathroom is not that wild. So what is this beautiful bird doing there? Must have escaped from the Zoo. He speaks Spanish. Such beautiful colors just scream Latin America. That is where his ancestors are from. I can make out “Hola” and then at some point “Ese”. Seems like a nice fellow. I know that Ese is something like a dude. So I am guessing he is either saying “Hi, I am a dude.” or even “Hi, I am a dude too.” or he is welcoming me to his posse: “Hi dude, wanna roll together.”, I am assuming the latter. I now have a beautiful flying friend with blueish-shiny feathers and an attitude. He, I’m assuming is gender, because I don’t know how to differentiate the sex in birds and because of my abysmal Spanish, is now something like a Pokemon to me. My Latin buddy on my shoulder. He ain’t know anything when the Zoo eventually comes to get him back.

18th of April: “Invent a diabolical delivery system”

You might think of Anthrax in the mail, Smallpox in a blanket, or the Trojan horse. But have you heard of Healing-Toiletpaper®? The year is 2026 and we all have heard about the almost magical properties of poop transplants. For those still living in 2023 or generally not in the know. That is almost exactly what it sounds like. Poop is being transplanted from a donor via the butthole into the person lacking certain healthy bacteria in their poop and therefore anal tract. I am not a scientist. The bacteria grow in the person lacking said bacteria and make them healthy again. For years all our butt- and general health has been on the decline. So smarter people than me came up with toilet paper that has been laced with healthy butt bacteria. The first test run started right during Covid when the price of toilet paper skyrocketed for a while. That was the perfect opportunity to load off the trial costs. Healing-Toiletpaper® is a hit. With an eye on deforestation and ecological problems, there will be the Healing-Analdoushe® soon. This will hopefully phase out the usage of paper or at least diminish it to a degree where it doesn’t harm the planet too much. Your butt and gut will thank you. Healing-Toiletpaper®

19th of April: “How do people sometimes misinterpret me?”

This does happen once in a while. I am a 90-kilogram bearded and tattooed man. Until I speak a few words one could think of all sorts of meathead, tattooed, manly prejudices. My speaking voice is a tad higher than one would assume and I am (for sure) much nicer than I look. I try to wear bright colors and sometimes paint my nails to soften and brighten my appearance. This can be confusing for some conservative people too, but then they are not misinterpreting. They simply don’t see the scale between black and white. I also have a pretty dark sense of humor. Meaning I laugh at almost anything. Again this does not help getting sorted into some sort of category that people put a man in. The reality is, even though I can get loud and angry, I have a hard time being a bad guy. Even in computer games. I can’t for the life of me choose the evil options. But that doesn’t mean, and this is also another misinterpretation, that I do like everyone. Everyone gets a credit first and is assumed to be decent, but if I don’t get warm with them once that credit wears out, then that is it.