New Year's Resolutions

I had none. Zero! Nothing. Nichts.

And yet, this is so far the biggest change I have had in my life since coming back to China in October 2011 with 1 pair of jeans, 3 shirts, 2 pairs of shoes, some socks, some underwear and a job that paid really sub-par and not much in the bank. In fact, the money in the bank served as my indicator of returning back to Germany, if ever that would fall under less then a flight back (on average) to Germany I would buy the ticket and go. I never had to do that.

Having lived in Shanghai since then I grew. Career-wise, in a monetary sense, as an individual, in relationships and also in bodyweight. In late July last year I have had a really minor bicycle accident. I rode into a bike that was parked in the bicycle lane. I was super slow, just feel over to the side but there was a massive pain in my left knee and I still biked home fuelled by adrenaline. The next morning I couldn't bear weight on that knee. Long story short - ACL torn and surgery was advised but having been at home and unable to work for 3 weeks I wouldn't want to do it at that time, I thought I possibly could have been fine, maybe it grows back together? It didn't.

I decided to get the surgery done before I leave China and had it done in early January and took the recovery time since then and ongoing to make a lot more changes. Planned is the move back and the flight ticket bought and I got rid of a lot of 'useless' things I accumulated over the years. There is only a few things I am taking back with me and two great ones will follow on there own - my girlfriend and my cat (together as the cat probably has a hard time buying flight tickets because she can't read well).

The doctor insisted that I please, with sugar on top. do not drink alcohol for at least 2 weeks following the surgery and reading up on the effects inflammation it is not really something you want to have in a part of your body that heals relatively slow due to constant movement and not much blood flow to and around the ligaments. So I haven't touched alcohol since the surgery and it was super tough, because I don't think I did a week without alcohol since I was about 16. Obviously just that and the muscle atrophy from the surgery leads to weight loss but I also incorporated intermittent fasting since I am off the antibiotics (I figured it makes sense to have three regular timed meals when taking medication to not screw anything up).

I do 16 hours without food, have lunch at around 12 or 1pm and dinner between 6 and 7pm where I allow myself a lot of fats (coconut oil, ghee, olive oil), protein and some carbs (mainly oats) and Chlorella, Spirulina in the morning and tons of tea and unsweetened hot drinks, sometimes coffee in-between.

From my fight weight after Christmas of a shocking 95 kilogram I am now down to 87. It has been incredibly easy, I do have a lot of energy and feel mentally clear and I have updated this blog, my computers, phone, things in my house and things in my head. I am basically 87 kilogram of a new me.

Once some changes where made, others just easily fit into the current modus operandi. So before bed I read for 30 minutes every day on my Kindle. I do my 30 minutes of rehabilitation workout every day. I stopped smoking again from January 1st and am back on vaping. I blog daily currently and will keep this up for a week in total and then dial it down to a rhythm and schedule I can keep up and feel good with.

So again, tons of changes that just came about with not having made any plans or resolutions. I never found resolutions on New Year's a great idea but this all worked out.

One of the biggest changes however took a long time to figure out and I am still working on it. I found out that I punish myself a lot. I feel guilty for things I do or think and take my mental whip and whip myself into place. I used to sell those punishments to myself as being tough, as preparing for fights, being 'a man', being strong and definitely 'not weak'. I often saw 'being weak' in others and felt mentally or physically superior as I would not moan when the shower water is cold or I am wet from the rain or lament about a 'long' walk (everything more than 1 kilometre). Obviously I do not want to feel or think in a way like that as it is not healthy nor is it fair to put myself above others in such a way.

It's not easy to make these changes, but now I grow tougher by being more open, by not beating myself up mentally, just working out by myself. Looking at my natural reaction, understanding it and improving myself and just keep walking. I never needed that negative motivation I created in my head. Negative motivation never worked on myself in real life, why would it do that in my head?

Having done the test from understandmyself.com (by Jordan Peterson, with the help of 'h3h3' as a code and thanks to them with a discount, if you want to take it too) didn't teach me a lot of things (still some though) I didn't know about myself but it helped me understand myself better. I am very high in Extraversion (Enthusiasm and Assertiveness (super high!)) and relatively low in Agreeableness (low in Compassion and average in Politeness). High in Conscientiousness (Industriousness and Orderliness). Moderately low in Neuroticism (low in Withdrawal, moderately high in Volatility). High in Openness to Experience (Openness and Intellect). So what does that mean? Do the test and find out for yourself.

What it means for me is, that I am super open to experiences, my mood can swing relatively fast but I bounce back just as fast, I easily convince myself and others of new ideas, plans and love to have people around and hear myself talk. I am a bit stubborn (maybe scratch the 'bit') and will most of the time talk straight as an arrow, be one of the first persons to speak up and blunt, even when this might work to my own disadvantage. Those are all great things to know about oneself and they just help me understand myself better, was well worth the price of an expensive coffee.

Just wanted to share some positivity and write down what I learned from the test, as somewhere I read before that you only understand a subject fully if you are able to rephrase it, break it up and ultimately teach it, not at the teaching phase yet, but that was good enough for me to share.

Maybe we don't need a New Year's resolution, maybe we just need to understand oneself and that makes it easier to understand others too and maybe a bit of the world.